No, You're Wrong These are the best five (well six) Holiday Movies

It’s Christmas time and that means Holiday movies*. We at 10th Rule Books love Holiday movies.
So to celebrate the season and having Bad Ass Bitch Extraordinaire come out in paperback (just in
time for Christmas) we are busting out our five cool things column about our favorite Holiday movies.
Except since it is Christmas and all our paperbacks are currently $6.66 (like this one or this one, or this one
and this one too) we are giving you six cool things.

1 - Bad Santa -
“I beat the shit out of some kids today. But it was for a purpose. It made me feel good about myself…”
The closest thing we’ve got to Richard Stark Presents a Very Parker Christmas.  Sure, Willie
(Billy Bob Thornton) and his altitude challenged partner in crime (Tony Cox) are the guys Parker
would have to kill when they screwed up the job if this was a Parker story and he wouldn’t get all
sappy about a really dumb kid (Brett Kelly) and a woman with a Santa fetish (Lauren Graham), but
like I said, this is the closest we’re going to get and it is still better than the Jason Statham* Parker movie.
Doesn’t mean it’s not a classic. Perhaps the best heist comedy of all time. Billy Bob Thornton is perfect
as an alcoholic safecracker and the rest of the cast (especially late comic actors John Ritter and
Bernie Mac) is nearly as good.

2 - Gremlins

“….instead they pulled out my father. He was dressed in a Santa Claus suit. He'd been climbing down
the chimney... his arms loaded with presents. He was gonna surprise us. He slipped and broke his neck.
He died instantly. And that's how I found out there was no Santa Claus.”

A cautionary tale from director Joe Dante about the dangers of trying to get your teenage son something
cool for Christmas. Billy (Zach Gilligan) shows he can’t care for the pet his dad (Hoyt Axton) worked
so damn hard to get him and unleashes a horde of bloodthirsty gremlins on his hometown in time for
Christmas. Plenty of satire, jokes, and unpleasant deaths follow. Billy’s mom improvising kitchen
weapons in a battle with the little green monsters is one of many classic scenes. Plus it has Phoebe Cates.

3 - Family Guy The Road to the North Pole
“Christmas time is killing us.”
Like all the Seth McFarland stuff Family Guy is very hit and miss, mostly miss. This two-part special
from season 9 is on the hit side. After a disappointing encounter with a mall Santa, homicidal toddler
Stewie decides to journey to the North Pole so he can kill Santa Claus, with Brian, the loyal talking dog
and failed alcoholic writer* tagging along. They find Santa and things go horribly wrong. There is a sequence in the second half as noir as just about anything on this list when despite some good intentions
things go murderously wrong and each attempt to make things right just makes everything worse.

4 - Krampus
“I don't get it. Every year it gets worse! Why do we have to put up with their crap just because we
share DNA?”
Along with Gremlins ( which is not as straight a horror movie as this one) Maybe the only Xmas horror
movies not to suck ever made. When young Max (Emjay Anthony) expresses his anger at having to
deal with his shitty family at Christmas time Krampus decides to visit and mayhem ensues.
Like Gremlins this one has the rare good balance of horror and humor plus a great cast
( including David Koechner, Adam Scott, and Toni Collett ) The ending kills it as well.

5 - The Ice Harvest

“It's against my religion to give out personal advice, but you should either sober up or get real drunk.”
Sleazy lawyer Charlie Arglist tries to get out of an iced over Wichita with a mobsters money on Christmas
eve in this underrated and underappreciated Noir starring John Cusack and Billy Bob Thornton
(making him the Holiday movie champ) based on a novel by Scott Phillips. Unlike the first three on the list, it is not a comedy, despite being directed by Harold Ramis, but it does have a great sense of dark humor.
John Cusack nails it as world-weary but likable would be master criminal who is in over
his head and knows it.  It’s about as bleak and unforgiving as a holiday movie can get, but that is what
makes it awesome.

6 - Die Hard  
“Yippee Kai Yay Motherfucker.”
The best movie on the list, but ‘holiday’ part of this movie is so incidental to the plot including it on any Holiday list is a stretch at best. Sure it takes place during a Christmas Party and there is a great
sight gag involving Santa, but unlike the others, this would have worked just as well if it took place in June and it was a retirement party (setting it in L.A. makes winter irrelevant). So why include it? Because it is one of the best damn action movies ever made and any excuse to watch it again is a good excuse. Still the best Die Hard in the
long-running franchise, though the third in the series is close*.

* Yeah we said holidays, you caught us, we are the ones warring on Christmas, or as we prefer to say
Assaulting the Solstice.
* Still big fans of Jason Statham and yeah we worked him in again, drink motherfucker.

* This sounds familiar.
* The last two are decent, even good if thought of as sequels to Unbreakable instead of Die Hard.


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