5 cools things - No Guys Allowed Edition

With the podcast doing a serialized version of Bodie Myer’s Bad Ass Bitch Extraordinaire and
International Women's day we’re taking a look at five of our favorite bad ass women in fiction in our
sporadic 5 cool things column.

Selena- Yeah we’ve brought her up before*, and will continue to do so. Selena is the crazy ex-girlfriend
we know we need to avoid but can’t help going back to. Greg Barth’s Selena series moves fast, hits hard,
and is impossible to put down. Through five books the former stripper battled her way through the underworld kicking ass and taking names like no other all because she stole the wrong CD while turning a
trick. Loyal to her friends, ruthless to her enemies, and prone to really bad decisions she’s about as
flawed protagonist as there is, but it is impossible not to have her back as she battles the mob, corrupt cops,
various evil backwoods rednecks, outlaw bikers, and her own bad habits.
Lara Croft - Are video games fiction? Well, they sure as fuck ain’t non-fiction. Someone back in the
nineties thought let’s make a better version of Pitfall and give the hero boobs, a lot of boobs. As if someone
said what if Indiana Jones was hot British chick who carried two forty-fives like she was supposed to be in
a John Woo movie? This led to dudes playing the game as Lara Croft and being turned on by her, while
being her, meaning they were turned on by their own huge knockers while running around shooting stuff.
This led to a pretty damn good movie featuring Angelena Jolie at her most Angelena Joliest*. The sequel
went all Hellboy The Golden Army* and killed the franchise by being terrible. The first one, however, was
a solid bit of entertaining nonsense and considering how shitty video game adaption often are, kind of a
small miracle. The first game appeared in 1996, and the most recent in 2015. A movie reboot starring
Alicia Vikander as Lara is just around the corner, meaning Lara has been running around kicking ass,
finding artifacts and taking names while wearing the best tank top in video game history for over twenty
years with no signs of stopping.
Ripley- She veered close to being Laurie from Haddonfield in space in Alien, but stepped it up, showing
grit and toughness when the time came. By the end of Aliens, she was a full-blown xenomorph killing
machine. Unlike some on the list, Ripley is more human being than superhero through three movies, making
the ass-kicking she does more impressive. The fourth goes ahead and gives her full-blown superpowers,
and along with a really stupid ending, this is one of the things that made Alien Ressurection an entertaining
disappointment. Even better, this character made her debut in 1980, when no one thought twice about having
every female character in a movie being an attractive victim around for the heroic dude to rescue.
Sara Conner - The Terminator. Like the best scream queens, she morphed from hapless victim
into future robot killer, saving herself when Kyle Reese went down for the count. Like Ripley, this is a
person who steps up when things are looking the bleakest. In the classic T2* she was a muscle-bound killer
getting ready for the coming apocalypse. The victim in waiting from the first two-thirds of the first movie is
completely gone and we love her for it. The lack of a Sarah is one the main reasons T3 didn’t work and among the many reasons Salvation is a piece of crap. Go to female bad-ass portrayer Lena Headey* did
her justice in the television series and fellow GOT* actress Emila Clark kept Sarah kicking ass through
the strange mess that was Genesis.
Alice- Another character inspired by a video game released in 1996. Alice does not appear in any of the
games but they built a movie franchise around her. The apocalyptic sci-fi horror action series varies in
quality but is always entertaining, and the reason it works is Alice (Mila Jovovitch) battles zombies,
monsters, and the Umbrella corporation with style. She’s pretty much a superhero through most of them,
becoming Project Alice sometime around entry number 2 when apparently the T-virus bonded with her on
a molecular level*. Unlike fellow video game inspired heroine Lara Croft this series has never needed a
reboot pumping out six movies over the course of fifteen years.
To avoid conflict of interest we’ve left off Janet from Jesus Saves, Satan Invests and Blue Devil from
Bad Ass Bitch Extraordinaire but you should check those out for yourself and see if they make your list.
* So often she should get her own drinking game, like Jason Statham**. In fact, Selena does have a
drinking game. You read her name, drink motherfucker.
** That’s right we mentioned Jason Statham, again. Drink motherfucker.
* Maybe she was more Jolie in Wanted or Mr. and Mrs. Smith, maybe.
* Instead of reboots after a bad series entry could we just learn from the mistakes and go on? If you get a
bad television episode you don't reboot the whole series (how many Walking Dead reboots would there
be if this was the case). I would have loved another Hellboy with that cast and crew, and no, a rehash of the
first one with a new cast does not count.
* She has two of the best villains in Cersei Lannister from Game of Thrones and MaMa on Dredd if and when we make a list of female villains she will make the list.
* Both Cersei Lannister and Daenerys Targaryen got some consideration but if someone from Game of
Thrones were to make the cut it’s Anya Stark hands down.
* Is that any dumber than being bitten by a radioactive spider?


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