Keeping you safe on Friday the 13th

You know who survives the inevitable Friday the 13th machete massacre? The kids who read. Sure the drug and alcohol powered fornicators seem to be having more fun* but taking a rusty machete to the dome kind of ruins it all.
That kid reading though, he or she is always around for the sequel. So, to stay alive we suggest you get a book and go somewhere nice and public and read it. There will be plenty of other Fridays to snort cocaine off someone's bare chest. The other bonus, the average hockey mask-wearing psychopath doesn't care what you're reading. Read something fun. Read some kick-ass pulp fiction that skips the boring parts.*
Sure, most of you deserve to die in a horrible way (you know who you are) but we want to save you anyway while saving you money so you can afford booze and drugs next week when it's Friday the 20th and you're safe from judgemental homicidal maniacs*. That's right pick up this one for a mere $.99.

Or, this one for less than a buck.

This one too.

Yeah, I get it, maybe you don't think your life is worth spending almost a dollar. We're here for you too.
Both Hell books are FREE all weekend. That's right get your ticket to Hell for free and then go back for more for the same non-existence price. You heard of two for one? Well, this is two for none.

Some of you may wonder how giving stuff away is going to help us pay off The Dark Lord Satan's bar tab (could be the Dark Lord Stan's bar tab things are kind of hazy, it was a big tab) and prevent him from taking our souls back with him to his home? (could be Hell but we know he has a place in Albuquerque*). Yeah, we don't know either but it can't hurt, plus you get to stay alive.

* Reading is actually fun too and I know for a fact drug and alcohol-fueled fornication and reading are not mutually exclusive and in fact can be done together if you have the skills.
*Also much more hygienic than snorting a substance of questionable origin off someones sweaty chest.
* Seriously what's the hang-up with killing the people having a good time? and more importantly, why do they think the readers aren't having a good time?
* Turns out the climate is similar and he really likes the green chile


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